Are you weary of waiting on God to provide a spouse? Do you believe marriage will be the secret to lasting joy (even though everyone says it isn’t)? If in your heart of hearts, the answer to any of these questions is yes, then I am writing this for you. I understand more than I can express and pray I can encourage you. Please know this is not God’s will for our lives. He isn’t aloof in heaven, unphased by our feelings and indifferent to our desires. God delights in us and wills that we are full of joy (1 Thessalonians 5:16)! We are commanded to rejoice always- even in singleness, even when God does not bless us in the way we expect in the time we hoped for. Before you roll your eyes and give up hope, know it is possible and realistic to be content in singleness and satisfied in the Lord alone.
A Few Considerations:
Before we discuss ways to grow content in singleness, I want to address a few things. First, understand God is not transactional. We should not aim to delight in Him (be content) to earn a spouse. It doesn’t work this way; there’s no faking out God. The Bible says that God is concerned with our hearts, so love Him with pure motives (1 Samuel 16:7). Second, it is by God’s grace that we receive anything at all. Meeting our spouses is not contingent on our performance or our worthiness. When God blesses us, it’s because He is good not because we deserve it. Finally, there isn’t a perfect level of contentment we reach where we never feel discontent again. Unfortunately, there will be times when you do feel discontent, but the goal is to minimize those times.
Like most things, learning to be satisfied in God alone is a journey, so don’t expect overnight results. Here are some ways I believe the Lord is showing me how to be more content in singleness.
1. Have an Undivided Heart
We are Distracted:
I believe we are discontent because we are distracted. We allow so many things, namely sources of entertainment like Netflix or Instagram, to take up so much of our time that there is hardly any time to spend with the Lord. I know I am guilty of squeezing in 15 minutes of “Jesus time” after spending hours doom-scrolling.
The truth is we are complacent giving God our scraps when he gave up his best (His only son) for us. I am thinking of the verse about people doing lip service but having hearts far away from the Lord (Matthew 15:8). Is the same true of you and me? What would the way we spend our time say about our love for Christ?
These are important questions to reflect on because they reveal where your heart/affections lie. The Bible says where your treasure is your heart will be (Matthew 6:21). So, if we spend our time doing things for pleasure, it is very telling about our priorities. Likewise, if we dedicate time to growing in our relationship with God by reading scripture, praying, and spending time with God’s people then our actions evidence our love for the Lord. Why is this important and how is it connected to being content in singleness?
Satisfaction is Born in a Strong Relationship:
It is connected because when we are singularly focused on God ( spending our time in a way that shows our dedication to Him), we experience total satisfaction. God created us for a relationship with Himself, so if our relationship with Him is weak it makes sense that we would be lacking in joy. The Bible says that being in God’s presence, there is a fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Fullness means being made complete. When we make it a priority to be in God’s presence, then our joy is complete.
There is a reason that God commands us, and the Bible warns us to stay away from idols. An idol is anything you worship apart from the Lord ( our time, my friends, points to what we worship). Idols rob us of our joy by distracting us and disconnecting us from God. If you want to feel more content in singleness and life in general, I encourage you to do whatever you need to, to turn your heart back toward God.
2. Evaluate Your Attitude
Another reason we feel discontent in singleness is because we become entitled. The Bible acknowledges that God loves blessing His children (Matthew 7:11), but many of us take it a step too far. We think we deserve God’s blessings. I am even guilty of thinking that relative to my “good works” another person is less deserving of a spouse than I am, so why would God bless her and not me? This harmful thinking crosses over into the danger zone.
Honestly, we do not deserve God’s love or anything he blesses us with. We have not done anything in our strength that qualifies us to be loved by God. The Bible even compares our good works to menstrual rags before the Lord (Isaiah 64:6). What can we possibly bring before God that doesn’t belong to Him already? It’s why the Apostle Paul says that we have nothing to boast of except in the Lord (Galatians 6:14). By God’s grace (unmerited favor) alone, we are saved, sanctified, and blessed. He loves us and blesses us because He is good not because we are.
So be careful not to believe that God owes you a husband subconsciously. Believing this makes us entitled. Entitlement is a close cousin of pride, and we know how the Lord feels about pride (He hates it). I’m not saying you should shame yourself for the desire God gave you to be a wife (it’s a wonderful thing), but I am asking you to consider your attitude about it. For me, checking my attitude allowed me to see being discontent as what it is- a sin. This was a sobering and freeing revelation. If you like me struggle with entitlement, I encourage you to ask God for forgiveness and repent.
3. Rejoice When Others Rejoice
We can grow more content in our single season if we learn to celebrate other people. The Bible commands us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). If we are honest, our flesh tempts us to mourn when others get what we want and rejoice when others are down as bad as us. Don’t let yourselves go there; it’s a choice. Some situations require that you deny yourself and take up your cross (Luke 9:23) and celebrating your friends when they are blessed in the way you’ve been praying for is one of them.
One reason it is so difficult to celebrate our friends is because we come into agreement with a scarcity mindset. We think “If so and so got a husband there’s one less godly man for me”. That’s a lie from the devil. The Lord is Jehovah-Jireh; He provides abundantly. If he can multiply 7 loaves into 5,000, there are enough godly men to go around. Don’t minimize God by trying to squeeze him into your realm of possibility and understand the Lord can accomplish the impossible (Matthew 19:26). When we recognize that God is big and not small, it removes fear! We can relax and celebrate our friends’ successes because we are assured that our turn will come.
We won’t need to plaster a fake smile when our friends are winning because their success brings glory to God and we can be sure God provides abundantly for all His children, not some of them (Romans 2:11).
4. Find Your Ministry
Finally, we can learn to grow content in our singleness by finding the ministry God has for us. The Bible says that we were created for good works (Ephesians 2:10), so it makes sense that if we are not doing those works we would feel unsatisfied. Idleness leads to discontentment, so again we have to fight to spend our time in a way that is pleasing to God by doing what he’s called us to do.
This begs the question “What has God called me to do?”. If you do not know God’s purpose for your life, then I encourage you to diligently seek Him about it; I find myself here as well. One of my favorite woman teachers, Priscilla Shirer, said we discover our purpose by being obedient in the mundane. I agree. Begin by being obedient in the little things God has asked you to do. You’ll know he’s asking you to do something because (1) you ask Him about it and (2) you’ll feel a nudge in your spirit. Start obeying that nudge. I believe wholeheartedly that the Lord will reward our obedience. Consequently, we can grieve the Holy Spirit by being disobedient (Ephesians 4:30-32), which will delay us in discovering our calling even further.
So get busy for the kingdom ladies! The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few (Luke 10:2).
All in All,
Being single when you desire marriage is challenging, but I believe the Lord wants to grow us in contentment in preparation for marriage. I pray that at least one of these tips resonated with you and you grow day by day in allowing God to be your source of joy. May we delight in the Lord and turn our hearts back to our first love. It is the greatest love of all and it is more than enough!